Child of the Wilderness
by EverTheDreamer
Summary: Lupin's story. Contain RLSB slash, in the sense that there are mentions of a relationship. Follows Lupin from the time of his being bitten until the death of Sirius, his last living school friend. Lyrics are from Minnie Driver's Learn to be Lonely. SLASH


It was funny to Remus, in a way.

Funny that he couldn't remember something that so drastically changed his life forever.

The bite.

It had happened so long ago. He was just a boy.

He had been so young.

He didn't remember the actual bite at all, but he did remember his father's anger at the news. He remembers his mother's crying and hugging him so tightly that he thought she was going to suffocate as the doctor spelled out his future.

"The bite your son received… It was from a werewolf. There's nothing we can do. I'm so sorry."

He remembers his father marching off, anger and determination burning in his eyes.

He remembers his mother sobbing as she pleaded with him, "Stay! We need you here! Please stay!"

"I'll kill Fenir for what he did to my boy," his father had said, ignoring his mother's pleas.

He remembers his mother sobbing all the harder when Alastor Moody came in and gravely delivered the news, "We found your husband, Mrs. Lupin. Greyback got him. We think he put up a good fight, Greyback's brutality was just too much, though. Our condolences."

And he remembers, vividly, his first moon.

_Child of the wilderness  
Born into emptiness  
Learn to be lonely  
Learn to find your way in darkness_

He remembers Albus Dumbledore's kindness.

"Of course he can still come to Hogwarts!" Dumbledore had exclaimed as if any other notion were beyond comprehension. Dumbledore had then turned to him, "You have your letter?" Remus remembers nodding earnestly. "Those are the supplies you'll need."

He remembers his mother's persistence. "But what if he hurts someone?"

"We'll think of something," Dumbledore had said, his eyes twinkling.

He remembers arriving at Hogwarts two weeks early so that they could have a "practice moon" before the other students arrived.

He remembers Dumbledore showing him the special knot in the Whomping Willow so that he could freeze it to by.

"But don't worry, Remus," Dumbledore had said. "Poppy, Madam Pomfrey to you, will be escorting you to the tree for your first few moons at least. You'll get the hang of it."

He remembers feeling so alone at school, terrified that any friends he made would abandon him when they learned his secret.

He remembers his mother's stern warnings, "You mustn't tell a soul, Remus. Headmaster Dumbledore is doing us a favor by letting you attend. Don't make him regret it by telling everyone your secret! Not a soul!"

But friends don't keep secrets, so Remus hadn't felt able to make friends.

Instead, Remus confined himself to the library, searching the books for a cure the doctors had missed.

Books didn't care if you withheld secrets.

_Who will be there for you  
Comfort and care for you  
Learn to be lonely  
Learn to be your one companion_

Remus remembers James and Sirius and Peter extending their hand of friendship, trying to include him in their jokes and games and adventures.

He remembers his initial reluctance due to his having to keep his secret but how he eventually let down his barriers and allowed himself to make friends.

He remembers the lies he had to tell about why he had to leave once a month.

"My grandmother," he remembers stuttering. "She's sick."

He remembers their looks of disbelief.

"Every moth for three days?" James had laughed.

"Listen, I just… I really just can't be here those days. Can we just drop it?" he remembers pleading.

And he remembers that they did drop it.

For a while.

But teenage boys can be very persistent. And all the while, Remus' conscience had been nagging at him. Can't he just tell them? Haven't, after three years, they proven themselves?

_Never dreamed out in the world  
There are arms to hold you  
You've always known  
Your heart was on its own_

He remembers James and Sirius and Peter cornering him in their collective dorm room early in their fifth year.

"We know," they had said together.

"Know?" Remus remembers stuttering. "Know what?"

"We. Know," James had said.

"Your 'big, dark secret,'" Sirius had continued.

"And we don't care," James had finished.

"In fact," Sirius had said, smiling proudly, "we have a surprise for you. Take your positions, boys."

And the three of them had stood in a line, the same smile on each of their faces as they raised their wands and pointed them at themselves.

"Bippity," James said, smiling widely as a jet of purple light shot out of his wand.

"Boppity," Peter said, the purple light jetting out of his wand as well.

"Boo," Sirius said, wiggling his eyebrows as purple light shot out of his wand and hit him.

Remus remembers staring dumbfounded at his friends who had all turned into animals. James a stag, Peter a rat. "But… How?" he had asked as the giant black dog that had replaced Sirius ran in circles around him.

The trio changed back into themselves, smiling broadly.

"It took us a while," James admitted.

"Especially with the designated brain of our group not being able to help us," Sirius interrupted.

"But we figured it out. We realized that you always disappeared around the full moon and we made the connection between the Shrieking Shack's only periods of shrieking."

"We figured this way we can keep you company," Peter said, nodding

"Peter's something small so that you don't need Madam Pomfrey to freeze the tree in case you begin the throes of change. And James and I are larger animals so we can keep you under control for when we get really good at it. We'll go exploring. We will own the school. We'll know where every-"

"We get the picture, Sirius," Peter laughed.

"Oh," James began, "those words aren't actually connected to our transformations. We just wanted to use them. All we really need is our wands. It's nonverbal. And we only need our wands until we get good."

"Yeah," Sirius nodded. "The words aren't necessary at all. Watch." He pointed his wand at himself again and the purple light jetted out, replacing him with a large black dog again and began prancing around.

Remus remembers laughing as Sirius showed off.

"Oh, stop, you lovesick puppy," Peter mumbled.

Everyone stopped and stared at Peter.

"I mean…" Peter had tried to cover for himself, but there was no taking it back.

Peter had voiced what they had all avoided: the sexual tension building between Remus and Sirius.

A wide-eyes James quickly grabbed Peter's hand as a growling dog-version of Sirius prepared himself to pounce. "I think we should celebrate our transformations with some food. Come on, Peter. Let's get some butterbeer from the kitchens!"

Remus remembers the uncomfortable silence that had grown after James and Peter left.

"Um… For what it's worth, I think your showing off was cute," Remus remembers offering. "Your little wagging tail is absolutely adorable."

He remembers the great black dog wagging its tail and pouncing on him before licking his face.

Then, Sirius took the place of the dog. "You think so?"

Remus remembers nodding as he laughed.

"You should see what else I can wag," Sirius said suggestively.

Remus couldn't help but laugh at him. Sirius had quickly silenced him with a proper kiss on the mouth.

_So laugh in your loneliness  
Child of the wilderness  
Learn to be lonely  
Learn how to love life that is lived alone_

Remus remembers his shock hearing about James' death. But that had been nothing compared to his shock at hearing it was Sirius who had turned on him. Sirius who then killed poor, distraught Peter.

Remus remembers feeling so alone, two of his best friends dead and his lover to blame.

Worse than that, Remus remembers the guilt he felt for believing that when he finally saw Sirius again twelve years later. Sirius explained what had happened and Peter was forced to show himself. Peter got away, though. All because of him.

He remembers how much guilt he had felt, still feels, for not remembering to take his Wolfsbane.

He cost Sirius his happy life. With Harry, and with himself.

He and Sirius? They could have raised Harry properly. Together.

He remembers how busy Sirius had been and how he had had to hide constantly because he was still considered a fugitive.

He remembers how busy the Order had kept him and Sirius, how they never really got to start over.

_Learn to be lonely  
Life can be lived, life can be loved alone_

Remus remembers all his feelings of loneliness. He remembers because they hit him like a ton of bricks when Sirius fell through the drape and never got up.

Remus knows what it is like to be lonely, to feel like you have no one. No friends, all claimed by the war, one way or another.

Remus knows what it's like because he is alone.


End file.
